HermitCraft/Hermiton Herald
The Hermiton Herald is a periodical written by ZombieCleo for her publishing and distribution company, Cleo's Copying Ink, on the HermitCraft server. She writes "unbiased and completely factually based news"[1] about current events on the server and accepts any news and advertisements submitted by other members of the server. Each copy costs one Gold Ingot. She has a Zombie receptionist named Carol[2] and two Zombie writers named Statler and Waldorf.[3]
Contents
Edition 1[edit]
The first edition of the Hermiton Herald was released in an episode titled "Minecraft: Hermitcraft - 54 - Hermiton Herald" on 25 January 2014.[4]
Hermiton Herald
Issue 1
MASS SLAUGHTER OF NATIVE INHABITANTS[edition 1 reference 1]
Appalled! Shocked! Disgusted!
This is how most normal people would feel when faced with the idea of slaughtering
countless native inhabitants to make the lives of a small population of invaders a little bit easier.
Not so for a small group of murderous thugs that recently made a mass slaughter of the native inhabitants known as 'villagers'.
It is known that this small group of as yet unidentified bandits set several hundred villagers on fire and then proceeded to chase down the fleeing people into the arms of waiting zombies who swore to raise them as their own kind, away from the murderers.
RECORD SELLING DAYS[edition 1 reference 2]
The newly opened packed ice shoppe in New Hermiton sold old of it's product in the first day. Such shortages make it seem that the owner grossly underestimated his market. No comment has been made.
FOOD DISTRIBUTORS' DIRTY TRICKS![edition 1 reference 3]
Amid the hype surrounding the new town shopping district it seems that certain company owners have engaged in a dirty tricks campaign to squash rivals.
Actions include theft
of property and obscuring advertisement.
ADVERTISEMENT!
Want people to hear about your product? Why not place an advertisement in the Hermiton Herald. Competative rates.
Birth announcements:
Welcome iJevin to New Hermiton. He is already leaving his mark in the business district.[edition 1 reference 4]
Obituaries:
Hundred of unnamed villagers in mass murder
References[edit]
- ↑ Xisuma: "Hermitcraft II Epic Population Explosion"
- ↑ sl1pg8r: "HermitCraft MineCraft LP E28 - Hoof Hearted! ;) ( Let's Play )"
- ↑ Spumwackles: "HERMITCRAFT W/ SPUM 20 - PRANKING iJEVIN'S SOUP SHOP"
- ↑ iJevinYT: "Hermitcraft: iJevin's Soup Shop! (Ep. 5)"
Edition 2[edit]
The second edition of the Hermiton Herald was released in an episode titled "Minecraft: Hermitcraft - 57 - The hall of theoretical biology" on 5 February 2014.[5]
Hermiton Herald Issue 2
FUNGAL INFESTATION AT MUSE MEATS![edition 2 reference 1]
Reports have been recieved that a fungal infestation has occured at Muse Meats (A division of SpumCo) and has contaminated their produce.
The owner of SpumCo made a statement to this reporter that "it poses a health risk to future customers."
"The food wars" is a term coined by Spumwack to describe his unethical treatment of neighbouring businesses. It is suspected that
this infestation was retaliation by other food business owners and Spumwack has decided to point fingers at soup shop owner iJevin as a suspect. Perhaps as a way to disguise his own poor manufacturing decisions.
ADVERTISEMENT[edition 2 reference 2]
Hermitcraft Construction Company
Wanna build something but don't have the skills?
Wanna build something but don't have the time?
Just hire Hermitcraft Construction Company!
We'll build whatever you want!
All you need to do is provide the materials!
(No guarantees on completion dates. Terms subject to change as we see fit
If insufficient materials are provided costs might rise... Or skyrocket. It's your choice. Hey! Don't point any fingers, you called us!)
You have three hours.
WONDERFUL NEW SHOPPING EXPERIENCE![edition 2 reference 3]
It was this reporters pleasure to be one of the first to experience a retail haven that can be found at Hypno's Random Item shop. Simple on the outside, a tribute to the fallen villagers of last week perhaps, Hypno has
created a store that whilst not specialised seems to capture every facet of what a Hermit truely needs all at great prices!
The business district is booming and this store is set to make it's mark!
MURDER AT QUARTER-PIPE POINT![edition 2 reference 4]
A massive explosion rocked the city of New Hermiton and one dead body was pulled from the wreackage. Pungence later swore vengeance on Skyzm, possibly involving Ninja Turtles. The lawless nature of this town
was noted by Xisuma who swore to consider doing something about it.
Bodyguard prices are rocketing in response.
ADVERTISEMENT
Slip's Packed Ice Shoppe
Business is booming at Slip's Packed Ice Shoppe! But that doesn't mean our prices will change!
3 stacks of pakced ice for only one diamond?
You must be crazy Slip!
And we are crazy at Slip's packed Ice shoppe!
Births
Hermiton would like to welcome a bouncing baby Marriland to the server![edition 2 reference 5]
Deaths
Pungence
Pungence
Pungence
Pungence
Pungence
Pungence
Skyzm
Pungence
Skyzm
Skyzm
Pungence
Skyzm
Dmac
Keralis
Keralis
It goes without saying these people will be sorely missed.[edition 2 reference 6]
References[edit]
- ↑ Spumwack: "HERMITCRAFT W/ SPUM 21 - INFECTED STEAK!"
- ↑ Pungence: "Hermitcraft - Going Shopping - S2E43"
- ↑ hypnotizd: "Hypno HermitCraft E114: Earning Those Diamonds!!!"
- ↑ skyzm: "skyzm HermitCraft - Killing Pungence - E60"
- ↑ Marriland_: "Hermitcraft SMP Part 01: Welcome to Hermitcraft! (Ft. KingDaddyDMAC and Xisuma"
- ↑ Pungence: "Hermitcraft - Revenge! - S2E45"
Edition 3[edit]
The third edition of the Hermiton Herald was released in an episode titled "Minecraft: Hermitcraft - 54 - Hermiton Herald" on 25 February 2014.[6]
JUSTICE SERVED
There is a current lull in the criminal activity of our lovely town of New Hermiton. Yet an undercurrent of disatisfaction as people crave justice for the wrongs they have suffered.
The new courthouse
in the business district has been designed to dispense swift justice to those wronged. It is as yet unknown how people will access the new courthouse or who will be the judge.
Several Hermits are already claiming to be lawyers. This reporter would like
to remind people that, whilst it is true what they say about newspaper reporters, it is also true what they say about lawyers.
ATTENTION HERMITITES
Are you TIRED of easting DRY, FLAKEY bread, MOLDY soup or INADEQUATE PUMPKIN PIES?
Stop by Muse meats for a rad, happenin', totally hip steak which will have your mouth saying OH EM GEE!
DANGEROUS CARS!
A car dealership has put plans into the townhall and word has it that it will cover a great deal of green belt land. Is our town ready for drivers? Can we even agree on what side of the pavement to drive? Several new laws will
have to be passed, a test for our newly implimented legal system.
ADVERTISEMENT
The Hermiton Herald.
Subscribe for 4 issues for 1 diamond
What are you? Cheap or something?
ABBA CAVING
The final ABBA caving match between Sl1p and Hypno is being organised as we speak. The winnings chest lays untouched and unguarded night and day, ready for the winner to claim what is rightfully his!
ADVERTISEMENT[edition 3 reference 1]
What's that up on the hill? A giant nametag?
That's right!
Slip's Nametag store is open for business!
Pop on by and take a look!
ANOTHER COWNAPPING!
Biffa's cow has gone missing once again! All fingers are pointing to Meat shop owner Spumwack as the guilty party. Again! This many accusations in a short period of time, Can it be coincidence? This newspaper likes to think yes.
Aren;t we all a little too quick to point the finger? Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
ZOMBIE PIGMEN ASSASSINS
At least four deaths were attributed to zombie pigmen this week. These are not to be confused
with their smaller, gentler cousin the zombie. It is well known that zombie pigmen are vicious, bloodthirsty monsters that will steal your sword and kill you with it given half the chance. Stay safe Hermiton.
References[edit]
Payment instructions[edit]
These are instructions located in Cleo's company on how to pay for subscriptions, advertisement space, and story submissions.[7]
Instructions
Subscriptions to Hermiton Herald
1 diamond for 4 issues delivered direct to your door.
To purchase place diamond and subscription request in payment chest.
Advertisements:
Advertisements are charged at 1 diamond per page.
Leave written text copy and payment in payment chest.
Story
Got a story you want us to run? Want to bring light to underhanded dealings?
1 diamond per story. Leave text and diamond in payment chest.
References[edit]
- ↑ ZombieCleo (20 April 2014). "Hermitcraft - 81 - Making it rain". YouTube. <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fiy0M29ty8U&t=25>.
- ↑ ZombieCleo (23 January 2014). "Minecraft: Hermitcraft - 53 - Hiring the staff". YouTube. <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sasky4D_0rU&t=655>.
- ↑ ZombieCleo (1 February 2014). "Minecraft: Hermitcraft - 56 - Basement finished!". YouTube. <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b2Oty9Qic3I&t=232>.
- ↑ ZombieCleo (25 January 2014). "Minecraft: Hermitcraft - 54 - Hermiton Herald". YouTube. <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kg7CooIYrJA&t=786>.
- ↑ ZombieCleo (5 February 2014). "Minecraft: Hermitcraft - 57 - The hall of theoretical biology". YouTube. <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LIs8x_M7b3w&t=1411>.
- ↑ ZombieCleo (25 February 2014). "Minecraft: Hermitcraft - 64 - News and rejection". YouTube. <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vc-yZJ5Cj70&t=535>.
- ↑ ZombieCleo (25 January 2014). "Minecraft: Hermitcraft - 54 - Hermiton Herald". YouTube. <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kg7CooIYrJA&t=1143>.
